The Critical Balloney of Celluloid

Mr. Balloney, esteemed and knowledgeable movie critic, has now made his extensive knowledge of film and film criticism available to the humble working person.

What follows is a list of Mr. Balloney's incisive and thoughtful movie reviews that draw on his years of experience and pragmatism.

THE BALLONEY RATING SYSTEM
When he says 'critical' he means it!

4 Balloney's -	OK for Matinee
3 Balloney's -	A Bore
2 Balloney's -	It'll Make You Nauseous
1 Balloney -	Pray for the end of the world if you can't leave the theater

Deja Vu	This is a movie from France. I was pretty good except the editors really fouled up. They way the cut the film together made me think they only had a little bit of film and then reused it. They had things happen, then they showed the same stuff again, and again.
Pulse	I knew cell phones were bad for you, but I had no idea! This documentary follows a group of teens as they irritate adults close to them with text messaging and ring tones older people can't hear. Cool zombie action too.
The Da Vinci Code	This movie has something to do with computer hacking. Since I'm not a dopey nerd I didn't get it. If you're a dopey nerd you migh like it.
Snakes on a Plane	This movie truly delivers. There was a plane, and there were snakes, lots of 'em.
Clerks II	This was another zombie movie that actually has very poor ratings.
Night of the Living Dead in 3D(2006)	Never would I have thought a zombie movie would come along and break my rating rule of a minimum of three Balloneys, but in this case NOTLD in 3D gets only one Balloney and a bottle of Tylenol.
The Fountain	This is a futuristic story of the Boy in the Bubble and his whiney parents. The Fountain was polluted by a bunch weird clouds and weepy, whiney yuppies who liked playing in cold, slushy environments.
Lord of the Rings	Ok, is it just me or is it because I'm plasitc? I'm putting all three movings into the same review. These movies are about a kid who looses his mom's wedding ring and has to find it, but her ex-husband, a real creepy dude who crawls around is trying to get it to buy satellite TV.
Pirates of the Caribbean (1 and 2)	I don't think I saw any of these guys drinking rum or signing pirate songs! What gives? Oh, maybe I fell asleep?
Ice Age: The Meltdown	One more movie from whiny liberals warning that the sky is falling. "Global warming this" and "Global warming that" - please! Believe me, those folks in Toronto or Siberia would be thrilled to lower their heating bills. Hmm, funny I never had to use my air conditioner in December.
Ant Bully	What? Another animated film about ants? Don't these people realize that real ants are vicious, savage insects who'd strip your bones clean given half a chance? Not my idea of a cute bug - not even with Mr. Wonderful Tom Hanks.
Cars	Kind of sickly sweet story of love, asphalt and motor oil.
Lady in the Water	Wow, bikinis, wahines, Wheaties, everything you want and need in a movie.
V for Vendetta	This movie left me very confused. I thought the guy's name was "Zorro". I'm not very good with names. The actress is that Irish singer Sinead O'Connor who stirred everyone up by tearing up pictures of the pope. I was wondering where she's been.
Basic Instinct 2	An old lady it tormented in a nursing home. Kind of a downer. I wonder if Barbi will ever make a movie?
Shaggy Dog	I could say this movie "Is a Real Dog" but that's almost making a pun and I don't stoop to such things. Bring your pooper scooper.
16 Blocks	I was getting my jacket cleaned, so I didn't see this one, but someone I asked at the cleaners said it was a film about a lady taxi driver who's trying to earn money to bring her husband over from India. In not crazy about foreign films, too much reading.
Firewall	This is a story about a old guy who's getting older and he keeps misplacing things. I think he forgets where he puts his money or his kids, something like that - I was trying to unstick my elbow off the arm rest so I was distracted.
Pink Panther	This is a foreign film, but it didn't have subtitles. I don't really know what the heck this was about. Some guy with bad feet or something.
Curious George	Autobiography of the actor George Clooney and what he had to strive to overcome in his quest to become a big Hollywood star.
Final Destination 3	I can just hear my pappy saying, "When I was yer age we never had any of them grim reaper movies." In this case, he's lucky.
The Island	"Bring on the dancing wahines" I says. Well, there ain't no dancing wahines in this film. After my initial disappointment I found a few things to enjoy in this story. I think Elvis Costello does the soundtrack or was he the narrator?
Stealth	Lots of testosterone. You know what too much of that stuff can do to you after 90 minutes.
Willy Wonka and the Choco Factory	Depressing documentary on labor abuses in the chocolate industry. I personally like my chocolate and don't need to be reminded of what it takes to get me my delicious choco treats.
Undead	"Put another brain on the bar-bee mate." This movie about the Undead really does come from "down under". This has one of the best quotes from the film world, "She's got her keys, but she's lost her head!" All said in that quaint Aussie accent of course.
Fantastic Four	I thought this was a movie about the Fanta Girls - and I was very disappointed. I even wore my orange jacket to the premiere. Lola, I love pineapple too!
Bewitched	Moving documentary about a woman with Tourette Syndrome and the man who loves her.
Dark Water	An alcoholic woman has dreams of working in a Berlin beer factory.
War of the Worlds	Just when the alien nasty guys think they've taken over the Earth, a crazy human who dances in his underwear upsets the whole plan. Oh, and watch for the scene where movie Naked Lunch is ripped off.
Herbie: Fully Loaded	Cheech and Chong's grandson is in town visiting. So much for his straight-laced parents leaving him with grandpa for summer break.
Land of the Dead	Any movies with zombies will never get anything below 3 balloneys. That said, Mr. Romero must be careful not to get too soft in his later years. Too much retrospect and nostalgia is a sure sign death, or undeath is near.
The Perfect Man	I think this gets a minus Balloney. There's a rumor this was developed as a weapon by the Homeland Security Agency but it was deemed to dangerous.
Cinderella Man	A guy who dresses as a woman goes from town to town beating the bageebers out of poor female boxing competitors. That is, until he meets his match. His long lost cross dressing twin brother appears.
Batman Begins	A psychotic rich guy hallucinates for 2 hours. I won't give away the ending, you'll know at which point you've wasted 10 bucks.
Crash	Yuppies with nothing better to do than whine about their travails keeping their SUVs full of gas and how their investments are only making 15% a year also attempt to discover the meaning of life through yoga lessons and incense. A real bore.
Madagascar	I don't know. Little cute characters and the Ebola hemorrhagic fever just don't mix well for me. Although the bunny with the red eyes was both horrifying and hilarious. Zombie action would have helped.
Mr. and Mrs. Smith	Sean Penn reprises his Fight Club movie roll, this time the story involves beating his wife, or more accurately, his wife beating him up. The ending left open the possibility of Fight Club III though.