Mayhem on Mars

Mr. Balloney is suing NASA, the CIA, the United States Post Office, and Bill Gates.

Actual unretouched photos from the studio just after Mr. Balloney was rovered nearly unconscious

His attorney, Gloria Allready, stated Mr. Balloney was injured in an accident on a secret "Martian" movie set creating pictures for the Mars Sounjouner fraud. Ms. Allready read her statement to a packed press conference yesterday.

"On July 7, 10:52 am, Pacific Standard time, Mr. Bill E. Balloney was seriously injured when assisting in the filming of the Mars landing vehicle fraud on the sound stage of Covert Honorary Underground Motion Pictures.

The Rover vehicle drove over Mr. Balloney's head and upper torso. His freckles are almost indistinguishable from the tread marks, the Rover treads also caused permanent injury to his dress shirt and tie clip.

Note the Rover's tread marks obscuring most freckles

We are asking for damages totaling $500 million - $25,000 from NASA for pain and suffering, $75,000 from the U.S. Post Office for stamps, and $499,900,000 from Mr. Gates because anyone who can make $3 billion in one day can afford it."

Allready, Mr. Balloney's attorney also stubbed her toe on a folding chair at the press conference, and is filing a separate $500 million lawsuit against the folding chair company, U.S. Steel for making the steel in the chair and Mr. Balloney who caused her to be at the press conference.